I have to talk.
There's something I have to talk to someone about. It sounds so incredibly ridiculous that I can't talk with my family about it seriously. There are two incidences I'd like to talk about. The first one I readily accept as a coincidence, but feel someone might have other thoughts about it. The second I readily accept as one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
The first incident happened a couple years ago. I don't remember exactly what season it was, but it had been warm for quite a while. It hadn't snowed in my area more than a couple inches in years. I was home alone. I was just staring out the kitchen window and I just started dancing and singing in a foreign language. I wouldn't have done it if anyone was around, but noone was, and I was bored out of my mind. I was a spontaneous child: I did things like that. As I danced, the weather continuously got worse. I stopped eventually. My parents and brother got home. They said it was the biggest snow storm in ten years. There's lots of details missing that I can't put into words, but the missing details cause all of this to seem bigger than it does without them.
The second is what I really want to talk about. It was my 7th grade year, and there was an older boy on the bus that I always eavesdropped on because I was really weird and didn't have anyone to talk to. Also, his friends were hilarious. I was just walking around my house at night and suddenly something hit me: a picture of the boy running down the street popped into my mind and I heard (not physically) "run." For some reason, I had the urge to run down the street. I was frozen: I thought I had inherited my dad's schizophrenia and so, I ignored it. Every other night, it would happen, until I also heard "last chance." I ignored it again, and suddenly it all stopped. The rest of the year, I didn't see the boy on the bus. I kept thinking that he was kidnapped/missing, but I just told myself he probably just moved or something. Then, one night, I was scrolling through Facebook when I stopped scrolling because what I saw was a picture of the boy and the words "This is my nephew. He went missing ____. Please let me know if you've seen him." I literally quit breathing. I didn't move. All I could do was stare.
When I snapped out of it, I closed the page and went about my business before heading to bed. I always thought about water. My town is near the river, so I couldn't help but imagine that maybe he drowned, and maybe if I was a bit more impulsive he would be safe at that moment, but then I heard (again, not physically) that he would be back. I ignored it all and did my best to forget. The first day of the next school year, I climbed on the bus and he was there. I nearly fainted, but I did my best to ignore it. Just like always. He was bruised all over and his arm was broken.
Its been a year or two since then. I started highschool this past fall. I didn't notice it much as my friends did, but he kept staring at me. I was very uncomfortable. For separate reasons entirely, I'm homeschooled now. I heard from a friend that he quit school. I can't help but worry about him, but I worry about everyone: its my nature. Even that guy that harassed me in 6th grade, I worry about him, and I don't know why. He got hit by a car the other day. I think they said he only hurt his legs, which is a shame: he's stupid and all he knows is running. He was so fast, but I guess he just wasn't fast enough to dodge a car. (Sorry if that seems insensitive. I make jokes when I'm sad.)
Now, I just don't know what to do. I probably shouldn't even post this, but I don't care anymore. I doubt it will harm anyone. On the bright side, I left out the stuff that REALLY makes me look crazy, so I have that going for me. If you have anything to say about this, let me know. I'll be glad to know that someone actually read it. More than anything, I guess I just want to know if anyone thinks this isn't schizophrenia. Thank you for reading this far. I know my writing gets pretty wordy, so sorry about that. I'm not sure if this is the place to post this, but I feel like its... no, its definitely better than Reddit. Everyone on Reddit would be like, "Where's the next part? I love this novel."
I'm not sure if any of this is relevant, but for a bit of background, I come from a Native American bloodline and as a small child, played with wild animals. (My mother says it was a black bird by the road. I swear, it was red.) I'm currently on antidepressants, but wasn't at the time of any of the mentioned events save the guy who got hit by a car. My aunt and mother were both Wiccan before they got married (not to each other.) Most people love me, but a select few look at me once and hate me for no reason. People always give me free stuff for no reason. Seriously, who gives a random kid a free violin? I don't get it! That thing was expensive! NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE! I hope you believe me. I may be creative, but I'm not that creative.
I liked reading your story. I agree, I came here from Reddit hoping to gain footing but not very many people are active it seems :/ (at least in my short stay) I relate a ton to what your saying!
I definitely think you are an 'empath'. Basically, you are a very grounded person. (At least that's what everyone calls people like you/me) Grounded as in, you have deep roots coming out of your feet firmly planting you on Earth. Sucking up what's around you. You pick up on people's emotions and the energy of the planet/humanity's global consciousness. I bet the few people that hate you are scared of you. Because you make them nervous and uneasy. Being around such enlightened bright stars can make them be scared of their own emotions.
The Indigo starseeded children born into this world in the last few generations are starting to take hold. Whether you believe in that stuff or not, people are starting to open up now. Especially now in '18. I dont think your crazy, I think you 'feel' on a different level then the rest of us normies.
Some people think schizophrenia is when a 'demon' or negative entity grabs ahold onto a person. If you worry about your sanity, practice thinking 'positive'. Like for real, it's that easy! Subconciously creating a brighter, more positive 'you' can literally create the reality around you.* Meditation, clearing your mind, practicing new skills, are all ways to keep your positive thinking continuing. Don't let negative thoughts overtake the good. We can cure our own cancer by the power of a placebo in our brains imagine what else we can do in there.
*Getting deep here but heard of the Observer Effect? Our eyes create outcomes by choosing which atoms exist/react in spacetime. Crazy stuff. Maybe you have a slight evolutionary advantage (or disadvantage?) to see past these veils in the form of what today we call a braindisorder? Maybe you were meant to see these things as a way to open you up. To not let fear take hold. I know it can be scary, but always seeing the bright side of things will help the good half of the brain focused while the schizophrenic bad one stays at bay. My ex boyfriend of 5 years was schizo along with most his family. Definitely a learning experience.
Phew what a novel! Good luck on your journey. Maybe you can become a detective someday 😉
Edit: Oh! All those gifts people gave you? Whenever I see someone that's a bright star I want to spread positivity and be apart of their life. Even if it's just giving someone a gift. I bet those people saw the potential in you. They see what others dont. That's why you got special bouts of kindness like that 🙂
I really need some one to help me connect with a deciesed loved one. or else i will never be able to get closure
You are not schizophrenic. You should really pay more attention to the messages you receive that are not physically seen or heard. It could be your higher self or a spirit guide trying to get your attention about these things.
PS Schizophrenics are people who are extremely open to a lot in this world that we really arent.
Raziel,
I just joined this forum a week ago. Still perusing.
I agree with SilverG. You are not schizophrenic, you are tuned in. For some reason you are connected to that boy that went missing. He probably felt it and did not understand why you didn't talk to him. And like SilverG said, just because someone is diagnosed as schizophrenic does not mean they really are, it could mean they are open to too much and never had anyone who could teach them how to deal with it. My dad was diagnosed as Manic Depressive because he was such a good liar, but he really acted shcizophrenic. I know part of it was what Clump mentioned, always thinking the worst, and the rest was him never dealing with the information he tuned in to in a rational way. It was not allowed when he was growing up and he never knew how to talk about it. He always had to take what he picked up and make it about someone he knew. Once, he told my siblings he was worried about me because I had joined a UFO cult that was waiting for a ship to pick them up. I had never heard of that cult and was really angry that he would make that up about me. Then a few months later the Heavens Gate Cult was in the news for committing suicide so that they could get on the ship coming with some comet. That is not something he could have made up and he did not know about the real cult he described.
It is a thin line to walk and I hope you are able to navigate it without difficulty.