Words from Me
Hello, I am or was a regular member of the chat, my current name on there at the moment is Wraith, but some may know me as Solar or JohnKentson, been a member on this website for 1 year now. Don't know what my reputation on here is, but I know that many probably dislikes and or hate me and that some like me. I admit, I have been rude, mean and I am quite known to be negative on here. I villify myself often. I want to be good, but I can't. I have tried and tried, but to no avail. I always go back to being negative, and while some may hate me, wether it is on here or in real life. I can tell you this, there is no one who hates me more than myself, there is a lot of things I have and still am going through. Some of my friends on here have suggested many times that I seek help, but I have tried that many times, it didn't work as I keep lying to my therapists, I have both scizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder. I have so many different thoughts, opinions and such, I don't even know which is genuine. Often times I don't know who I am, I always keep this hidden in real life, cause I don't want to be treated like some insane psychopath by my friends and family. Many people don't believe me when I tell them of my problems, they say I'm too young, that it's not possible. Well, they can just piss off. If they were in my shoes, they'd know. For many years now, I have had an intense and bloody battle inside my own head, and it's only getting worse and worse by the years. I'm afraid this is permanent, no healing or professional help can help me. I believe only death can, and so I patiently wait for it to come. So forgive me if I am not so positive and light as many of you are. You are strong, but I am weak. And don't give me any of that "It will get better, I promise" It won't. No, I will have to live with this, wether I like it or not. Anyhow, that is all I wanted to say, just wanted to get some things off my chest.
Hey Wraith. Nice to see you coming out into the open with many things that you've kept on your chest for a while. I bet that felt better, speaking your truth. First of all, I'm not going to tell you that schizophrenia is a label and judge it on the basis of that, because you know that is not what I do.
What I am going to tell you is living with such a condition is as you described, a battle, and yes i am honest here because i am talking from personal experience in the past going back by about ten years ago when i had a broadcasting session and was surrounded by people who did not know that it was indeed spirit opening me up to the point of awakening, but those experiences and the solidifying past - its what made me into who I am today. Hopefully, though, based on what I know after being labelled myself in a similar fashion with people not really understanding what i've been through including those that aren't aware, the hardest part of it all is opening up and letting folk in and really understand how you view things in a positive mind and way, And yes I have been to multiple doctors and counselling services which have helped me to talk about the amount of woes that i've been through.
The most important thing about struggling with this particular label is shifting your perspective and perception from negative to positive. This is your lesson to learn, It is a work in progress and with many developments and aid from friends in need is a friend indeed we will get there.
As far as schizophrenia goes, it is but a label. This might be different experience for you as it was for me. When I first started turning it on its head and disassociating the fear element from it that people might judge me for the label that one keeps secret, until they get to know the real me which is whom i am today, i've learned its part of your shadow self that requires extra learning and shifting of the perception, that a label is just that - a label - a human ideal that humans label it so they can identify the condition itself as to what you are going through at this point in time.
You can be in control of your own body, disconnect who you allow into your life, who you trust and who you don't trust. CONTROL is the utmost key thing into working with this 'condition' - used loosely. Granted, I'm no judge on this at all as I can only speak from my own experience. I keep this side of my life underwraps because i fell into a wrong crowd of people and was taken to the doctors but was told this was it, but i figured that was because they didn't understand implicitly what i was experiencing themselves.
Turns out at the end of the day, what I was experiencing was not hallucinations, but spirit. They just didn't understand that this was spirit trying to find the correct communications in order to get through to me that they were around. Being medically minded and all that. And how was I supposed to explain it to them? I wasn't, but held my voice on that one. Probably should have spoken about it but would have been told something entirely different.
Once I got back the initial control after 6 months, of trying, I was happy. Meditation helped a lot during that past to quieten my mindset, this is why I do banter on about meditation and silencing the mind chatter and quietness a helluva lot. Because it makes the mindset more friendly for your peace of mind only if not spirit.
At the end of the day? what I'm trying to say is we all get labels in life as a regular human experience for people to identify themselves with. Don't let it stress you out that you are not on the right path, the fact that you want to shift your perspective and be good shows to me that you are on the right path and that this is a part of your learning.
Please just be yourself in chat, once you find that person, only you can change yourself and mould yourself into who you want to be. Forget the past though its gone.
You are a spiritual being living a human experience and have been placed on this planet to learn. You can start this new path now by learning how to live with what you have got and to use it to helping others. By being yourself in chat, this is the best way forwards for you. Find yourself again. Someone who you are happy with, not for others' sake. Peace <3
Hi Peter,
It's good to see you trying. One day at a time young man, trust me you are not on your own.